I just don’t know.

I. Just. Don’t. Know.

These four words about sum up the past few weeks.

I found out recently that I didn’t get into the program at school that I have been working so hard to get into.

I don’t know if I should give up or try again next year.

Our lease is up in a month.

I don’t know where we are going to live.

My body has been doing all kinds of weird, achey things to me. And I don’t like it.

I don’t know why I apparently became a grandma on my 25th birthday.

I had the best birthday ever this year. I felt so loved and grateful for the community I have in Austin. I felt excited about Juju coming to visit me a few days after. I felt so sure that all my hard work in school would pay off. There was even a GIANT rainbow in the sky that day, affirming my belief that God was working everything out to my liking. Like He was winking at me in one of those “yeah girl, you know I got this” kinda ways. And my heart was exploding with joy.

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So then everything fell apart. Juju couldn’t come to Austin after all. I got really sick. I got the rejection letter from school. I got this impingement thing in my shoulder that now requires physical therapy. It turns out that the rainbow on my birthday was actually more like a “sympathy for what’s about to happen” rainbow. Yuck.

I wish I could say that everything worked out. Part of the reason it has taken me so long to blog about some of this is that it is so far from worked out that I don’t even know how to verbalize anything. Truly, Josh and I are fine. We are in love and well taken care of. But it just gets hard to see the good amid major disappointment. I have a couple big decisions to make in the next week or so, so maybe the next blog post can be about how everything worked out. Maybe.

Either way, God is so very good. I will definitely look back and see how He had my best interest in mind the whole time.

Today I am thankful for a place to live, a dog who always makes me smile, a husband who cheers me on every day, and the people who have poured so much wisdom into my life over the past few days as I try and sort out what my future is like.

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