To myself.

p1040663

Dear me,

I see you there. Tired eyes, dirty hair. There’s spit up next to you on the sheets and spit up on your pajamas and spit up on every last unseen surfaces as well come to think of it. You’re trying so hard. You worry so much.

I see you holding that tiny 8 pound frame, wondering how on earth you got here and who exactly decided you could manage another life other than your own. I hear your thoughts, cloudy from the alarmingly low amount of sleep you’re operating on, while this new life life still requiring the most thoughtful and attentive decisions you’ve ever had to make. Each moment a battle between fear and hope. Between adoration and resentment. Between what your gut says and what the everyone else may say. How do you raise a baby? You didn’t think you had a clue.

The transition to motherhood feels like your house burned down with all your belongings inside, but no one notices. They talk about your new house, how perfect you must feel in it. They gush at beautiful this space is, and yes it is so very beautiful. You will settle in. But right now, though, you feel deeply displaced and forgotten and have no earthly clue where the light switches are or how to work the new appliances. You wonder, “where am I?” and “does anyone see what’s been lost?”

You’re going to look for answers. Like to why he cries from 5-8 every night. When should you start solids? What bottle is best? What kind of formula makes his brain develop? Are we doing enough tummy time? Is he happy? Is he healthy? Is he okay? Are we okay?

You ask and ask. You click around parenting sites and turn each page with desperation, trusting anyone or everyone else to have the key to unlock the secrets to mastery over this great new challenge and allow you to shine as a perfect mother. You convince yourself the answer exists everywhere except for inside yourself. You are not to be trusted. You’re just a freshman. A rookie. Learning the ropes that seasoned mothers and fathers are obviously navigating with ease. The difficulty you feel is nothing more than a sign that something is off. Something must be wrong. You feel like you need all the information in the world, but know deep down it won’t be enough to settle the deep pangs of self-doubt.

But dear self, things are as they should be. It’s meant to be hard and feel awkward. These moments of pain mixed with joy are but bricks laid in your beautiful path you’re carving for you and your son. The people who told you Motherhood changes you in an instant were wrong. It changes you over moments and hours spent gazing into the eyes of a baby you’re learning to adore and finding your new identity amidst a chaotic shift in your foundation. It changes you as you approach hurdle after hurdle, sleep-regression after effing sleep-regression, and come out the other side still alive somehow. You feel powerless, and you are supposed to be powerless. There is a slow death of self, and a rising of new self happening. It is powerful, and empowering if you allow it to be.

Maybe hearing parenthood is an endless struggle doesn’t help much right now. But I want so badly to be able to tell you, in your weariest state, to find what you need within yourself. You will be tempted day in and day out to look elsewhere for every answer. Trust me when I say that many of them don’t exist outside of you. No one else will offer you the level of reassurance you crave that you and Ezra are securely attached. No one will understand why or how his witching hour happens. No one will know better than you when Ezra needs to see a doctor, when he needs to switch formulas, or when his bed time should be. Practice listening to your inner voice. She has a lot to say.

Trusting yourself has always been a struggle, but now is the time to practice. Hone it. Listen to yourself. Believe you are equipped. Dare to exercise your intuition, allowing your gut to guide you. The decisions you will make based on someone else’s advice will leave you so anxious so often. They mean well, and advice can sometimes be so useful. But they never know the whole picture of your family. How can they? But you do.

It’s a cruel joke that the world plays on women. We are conditioned to believe our intuition is toxic and then left to navigate parenthood without such a powerful tool at our disposal.

That feeling of mastery, at least over the next 2 years, won’t come. The learning and unlearning never ends, and with each new week comes new challenges. The constant, though, is you. Your ability to rise to the occasion, to bring your strength and knowledge to the table, to show up with love and dignity and belief in yourself. You are cut out for this. Believe this now, and save yourself months of anxious toiling. Stop asking of others what they will never be able to do: to validate your ability to be a mother to that baby. That is your work to do, not theirs. And the validation does not come through perfection, but through acknowledging and accepting your deep imperfection.

I am proud of the work you are doing. My eyes fill with tears when I imagine the vulnerability you live in right now. It is so painfully beautiful. I don’t miss it, but I am so grateful for that time of having my entire heart ripped open and life turned sideways as we made room for our Ezra. He is doing fine. You are doing fine. You will all be fine. Trust me.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.