You made me a mother.

A couple weeks late, but I wrote this on my baby’s birthday May 15th. I cannot believe he is a year old already. What a year.

 

My boy,

One year ago today you made your way into this world. You came barreling into our lives like the force of nature you are, with little warning, and no knowledge of the many transitions you would undergo upon arrival in your first mother’s arms. You were the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on.

Seeing another woman- strong, graceful, a force to be reckoned with- deliver you and give you life, will forever be an experience that changed your dad and I forever.

The pain of delivery could not match the pain of the choices she was forced to make leading up to your arrival and afterward. I imagine the awkward conversations with strangers asking about her due date. I imagine the sickness of the first trimester and constant reminders of what was to come. I imagine the first kick she felt and how many thousands of times she wrestled in her head over how to be able to keep you with her forever. I imagine your siblings yearning for their baby brother to hold and to love.

Your story began with a woman who made the most painful decision imaginable, knowing it would simultaneously destroy her and also serve your need to thrive in this world. She sacrificed her body for you, but also her mind-ever dwelling with you now, imagining what you may be doing in each passing moment. Are you crawling? Are you missing her? Are you happy and fed and thriving? Always wondering. Always.

Your birthday will always be a mixed bag of joy and pain for many. But you, my love, are pure sunshine.

You slept so hard those first few weeks, and then awoke like a sleeping giant, eager to conquer the world around you. You have rocked my world with your zest for life and giant grins. You are the funniest and happiest person I know, and I get way too much credit for this. You are the one who ushers joy into my life, not the other way around. While there is much to be discovered and grappled with around the circumstances of your joining our family, I will take all of the relentless giggling and silliness I can get until those days come. And when they do, I do my best to hold space for you to feel anything you may feel. I will always do my best to be whoever you need me to be. But I will never be her, and I will be grateful for each day she chooses to show up and live in the painful space with all of us for your sake. We need her, and you need her. You always will. We have a lot of work to do to figure this life out with each other, but I am so excited for the adventure we are on.

I celebrate your life today, your first mother’s choice to birth you and to allow me to mother you. It has been the honor of my life.

Thank you for the last 365 days. I have never loved so hard or grown so much. I love you, baby.

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